Thursday, June 11, 2015

Nearing the End

Hello sweet friends. Since we have last talked, I have had two MFM appointments in Birmingham and little has changed.  The biggest thing is that Aubrey's head size as started to increase as babies heads with TD will do.  This happens because the bones fuse before they are suppose to, a component of their skeletal dysplasia.  This past Friday, I was 35 weeks and 2 days and her head was measuring 41w1d (a week bigger than a full term baby).  Friday, we had a very frank discuss with our MFM about the risks and the benefits of staying pregnant.  Frankly, I think everyone is a little surprised that Aubrey girl and I are still hanging in there :).  I know that is because I asked everyone to pray for more time and God has been so faithful.  What Josh, Dr. B and I discussed was that there was no added benefit to prolonging the pregnancy much further.  There is not any added benefit to her, in fact the risk of still birth for her starts to increase, and the delivery starts to be riskier for me with her increasing head size.   Dr. B felt if my cervix was favorable (dilated and inducible for my non medical friends) that our chance for a safer, vaginal delivery was good and that we shouldn't wait too long, letting her head continue to grow.  He told me to discuss it with my partners (friends and doctors) and to let them make the call.  So, we checked my cervix Monday and its very favorable, Aubrey's head is engaged in my pelvis (that would explain the watermelon-coming-through-my-vagina feeling I have been walking around with).  My last day of work was yesterday and Dr. Bridget Brunner and Dr. Lorissia Autery, my partners, friends and doctors, scheduled my induction. 

This has, no doubt, been the hardest part.  I NEVER wanted an induction with her.  I feel like I am ending her life before we are both ready.  This is where being a doctor AND being her mom is really hard.  I feel like I know too much.  If I was just a patient, my doctors told me the safest thing was to induce, I feel it would be easier to let go.  This is why I made Bridget and Reese pick the date for me.  So I wouldn't have to choose that day, that time.  Choose the end of our time together.  The medical side of me knows that its the right call.  We are constantly weighing risks and benefits in medicine.  Its how we make most of our decisions.  And here the risks have certainly started to out-weigh the benefits.  But the mom side of me cannot stand it. 

She is so happy inside of me.  Moving more than ever lately.  So much personality.  She stuck her tongue out at us the other day on ultrasound when we were trying to get her to roll over.  Literally, she turned her head, looked right at us, stuck her tongue out and rolled back over where we couldn't see her.  Then yesterday, while we were ultrasounding her, I said "Dr. B says she probably cannot close her  mouth because of her bone structure of her jaw".  Aubrey promptly looked at me, mom and Dede (our ultrasound tech), and CLOSED HER MOUTH.  As if to say, "I heard you mom, don't tell me what I cannot do!" 



But it is time.  Its time to begin the process of saying good bye to our daughter.  Plans have been made, dates and times set.  I will tell you, it is surreal to walk through a graveyard, picking a spot for your daughter while she still kicks inside of you.  Thankfully, Josh has taken most of the burden of planning THAT part off of me.  He is so strong for us.  I don't know what I would do without him.  My mom and dad are here.  They rented a house for a month on the lake and I am forever grateful.  Josh's parents are here already.  And the rest of the friends and family that we need are beginning the trek to be here with  us. 

The most amazing part of this pregnancy is the realization and confirmation of how much life truly does begin IN the womb.  The moment of conception.  Aubrey and I have had a life together.  I wouldn't trade they last 36 weeks for anything.  I wouldn't give up one minute. 
Psalm 139, again, says " For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you for I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."



Thank you so much for all the love, prayers and support.  Please keep it coming.  We will need it now more than ever.  Please pray for a safe, vaginal delivery.  Pray Aubrey girl arrives alive.  Pray Kye enjoys meeting his sister and is not overwhelmed.  Pray that between now and my induction date, MAYBE she would just come on her own to ease my mind.  (I realize I asked you all to pray for MORE time last time and that is totally how I have made it this far...thank you)

I am still feverishly praying for a miracle by our earthly standards.  That she could stay with me, Josh and Kye.  However, to paraphrase what a new friend of mine who has been through this exact thing wrote....whether by MIRACLE or DEATH, on the day of her birth, Aubrey will be restored.  Praise Him for this.  Do not forget to praise Him for her life. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!


XOXO

9 comments:

  1. You are so brave Talia, I pray for you and your family every time you run across my mind. Aubrey girl is loved and God has a plan for her sweet soul. Love you girl!

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  2. You are a brave, phenomenal woman I will CONTINUE to pray for you and your family!!!!!! I can't wait to see you back in the office, Love "your favorite patient lol Ebony

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  3. You're in my constant prayers as you navigate the days ahead. XOXO. Laura Brooks Bright

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  4. Talia, as a mother I cannot begin to know the heartache that you have been and are experiencing, but as a sister in Christ I do know that His grace is indeed sufficient. Know that I love you and I have been praying for you and your family and have asked others to do so since I first received the news of little Aubrey. My heart, thoughts, and prayers will be with you in a mighty way tomorrow as a most precious and dear child of our Most High God ends her short journey here on this earth and goes home to the wide open, loving arms of her Heavenly Father, who knew her and loved her even before her conception. There she will patiently wait in full glory and perfection until that wonderful day when you all will be reunited to live in peace, love, glory, and honor forever and ever amen! God grant you peace that passes all understanding.

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  5. I'm so incredibly sorry for everything your family is going through. A friend posted a link to your blog on Facebook and I clicked on it because our family is going through something very similar. My twin sister is expecting her third child, a little boy who has anencephaly. She is due at the end of July as well but will probably deliver at 37 weeks. It has been an incredibly heartbreaking time for all of us, but it has been Helpful to her to talk to other moms who have been through something similar. I'm not sure if you would be interested in connecting but if so her name is Christopher Hey and her email is christopherlhey@gmail.com. We live in Bham and she is delivering at UAB.

    I will be thinking of and praying for your family and your sweet girl!

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  6. My thoughts prayers and postive energy go out to you and baby for safe delivery xoxoxo Adriana

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  7. Praying in Jesus name! Amen!

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  8. You are such a beautiful and strong Christian woman, Talia. I cannot fathom what you're going through (especially since I'm not a mother... not from lack of trying and desire tho.). You are never far from my thoughts and are always in prayers!!

    Chris Montgomery

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  9. Sorry for your loss ... My husband and I went through the same thing with our baby girl Cassandra Elaina she was born on October 30 2001 that following day I light a candle and pray to God that I want her back tears coming down my check still grieving over my little girl had to go back for my 6 weeks check up the doctor then told us if we are going to be trying to have another baby there's a way you both can have a baby girl again she's then told us to start 5 days after your menstrual period You will be both pregnant with a baby girl ..5 days after is a bay boy.. so then you try it and one year later got pregnant with a healthy baby girl Elaina who is now 12 years old my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family may god bless you both with a healthy baby girl ❤️

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