Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The Aftermath

Tomorrow Aubrey would have been 2 months old.  In some ways, 2 months has simply flown by, like nothing has changed, nothing is different.  In other ways, each day has been an eternity, a struggle to move through, like walking through quicksand.  We also are approaching the 6 month mark of when my whole life forever changed, the day we found out about Aubrey's diagnosis.  Six months.  Now that for sure seems like a life time ago.  I don't even recognize the pre-Aubrey me.  She is a foreign person to me.  The Talia before we found out God's plan was buried with Aubrey.  And in someways, I like the "new" me.  I think its made me a better doctor.  I think its taught me about true loss.  I have learned to cling closer to my God.  But for the most part, I don't really understand who I am now.  I don't "fit" anywhere.  With my friends, my family.  I feel out of place almost everywhere I go.  It very hard to describe.  The only place I feel like I can function 'normally' is when I am with Kye and when I am at work.  Maybe its because there is purpose in those two places.  Maybe because being a mother translates above all else.  Maybe its because the girls at my office walked through every minute of this tragedy with me.  I don't know.  All I know is that I am forever changed.  Part of it is because, I think, that I am a little angry.  Not at God, or Aubrey, or anyone specific, just angry.  Angry, disappointed, frustrated that my life is never going to be the same.  Is not what I planned it to be.  I had "planned" two beautiful children, 2.5 years apart.  I got icing on the cake when my plan turned out to be one boy and one girl!  Then, it feels like, that was "ripped away from me".  But that was not God's plan for us.  It was not ripped away, Aubrey was never mine to begin with.  Nothing in this life is "mine" - it all belongs to our Heavenly Father...I keep trying to remind myself of that.  Picture perfect earthly family is not what we will have, that won't be our story.

 I don't understand all of these emotions very well yet.  For those of you that know me, I am the furthest thing from an "angry" person that you will ever meet.  I have been praying for God to help me let go of this anger, this disappointment.  I need to let go of the "I" and cling to the "Him."  I KNOW with 100% certainty that this was God's divine plan for Aubrey, for us.  I know that he is faithful, has a purpose and I believe those things.  However, each day the anger sneaks in.  That's sad to say, but its true.  You think the devil would leave well-enough alone when we are at our worst, but that for sure is where he thrives.  Where he seeks to destroy.  Read Job.  You'll see. I have been trying to allow my inner-Job come out.  To praise Him in this storm.  To allow God's grace, mercy and light shine through me in and throughout ALL things.  But that is easier said than done.  Prayer.  There is another thing that I have gotten better at.  I cling to it.  Because really, I don't feel like I can actually talk to anyone BUT God. 

As far as all that has happened since Aubrey's birthday:
Aubrey's service was beautiful.  It was a grave side service with just family and very close friends.  Her uncles were the pallbearers. My father-in-law spoke.  What he said was perfection.  We sang "Because He Lives" at the end.   And we laid her body to rest at a beautiful place not far from our home.

I never really thought I wanted to bury her, to have her body in a permanent place.  But I have really enjoyed going there.  Its very peaceful.  Although I know her soul isn't there, its nice to sit, be still and think about her. 

Eating ice cream with my girl

Afterwards we had everyone at our house, including more dear friends.  It was a celebration and we enjoyed it so much. 

I took about 4 weeks of maternity leave.  While I was "off", I did do a couple of surgeries and deliveries.  It felt good to work some.  Josh and I took a short trip together to New Orleans, saw Garth Brooks in concert and spent some great time with close friends.

I am back to work full swing now.  I am dieting.  Trying to exercise.  I got a FitBit.  Kye started a new school year.  Josh got a new truck and is as busy as ever.  I am studying to take my OB/GYN Oral board exam in November. Basically we are trying to get back to life.  But there is like a giant, Aubrey-size hole that nothing can fill.  Moms who have been through something similar tells me it never goes away, but that the edges get healed over, become less raw.  That life gets easier.  Time heals all things, so they say.  I constantly feel like I forgot something huge, like that feeling you have when you left the stove or curling iron on.  Like something major is missing.  I guess because it is. 

But through it all, God is faithful.  I still laugh, still smile, still find joy in this life.  People have been SO good to us.  Friends, family, co-workers, strangers.  Thank each of you for your meals, your gifts, your thoughts, your prayers and your love.  Not a single thing goes unnoticed. 

Please continue to pray for our little family.  I am blessed to have the love of an amazing man and one smart, funny little boy.  They are why I get up in the morning.  We will weather this storm.  Aubrey will always be a part of us.  She just gets to live in heaven, instead of in Jasper. 

Love to each of you.  To God be the glory.