Nearing the End

Hello sweet friends. Since we have last talked, I have had two MFM appointments in Birmingham and little has changed.  The biggest thing is that Aubrey's head size as started to increase as babies heads with TD will do.  This happens because the bones fuse before they are suppose to, a component of their skeletal dysplasia.  This past Friday, I was 35 weeks and 2 days and her head was measuring 41w1d (a week bigger than a full term baby).  Friday, we had a very frank discuss with our MFM about the risks and the benefits of staying pregnant.  Frankly, I think everyone is a little surprised that Aubrey girl and I are still hanging in there :).  I know that is because I asked everyone to pray for more time and God has been so faithful.  What Josh, Dr. B and I discussed was that there was no added benefit to prolonging the pregnancy much further.  There is not any added benefit to her, in fact the risk of still birth for her starts to increase, and the delivery starts to be riskier for me with her increasing head size.   Dr. B felt if my cervix was favorable (dilated and inducible for my non medical friends) that our chance for a safer, vaginal delivery was good and that we shouldn't wait too long, letting her head continue to grow.  He told me to discuss it with my partners (friends and doctors) and to let them make the call.  So, we checked my cervix Monday and its very favorable, Aubrey's head is engaged in my pelvis (that would explain the watermelon-coming-through-my-vagina feeling I have been walking around with).  My last day of work was yesterday and Dr. Bridget Brunner and Dr. Lorissia Autery, my partners, friends and doctors, scheduled my induction. 

This has, no doubt, been the hardest part.  I NEVER wanted an induction with her.  I feel like I am ending her life before we are both ready.  This is where being a doctor AND being her mom is really hard.  I feel like I know too much.  If I was just a patient, my doctors told me the safest thing was to induce, I feel it would be easier to let go.  This is why I made Bridget and Reese pick the date for me.  So I wouldn't have to choose that day, that time.  Choose the end of our time together.  The medical side of me knows that its the right call.  We are constantly weighing risks and benefits in medicine.  Its how we make most of our decisions.  And here the risks have certainly started to out-weigh the benefits.  But the mom side of me cannot stand it. 

She is so happy inside of me.  Moving more than ever lately.  So much personality.  She stuck her tongue out at us the other day on ultrasound when we were trying to get her to roll over.  Literally, she turned her head, looked right at us, stuck her tongue out and rolled back over where we couldn't see her.  Then yesterday, while we were ultrasounding her, I said "Dr. B says she probably cannot close her  mouth because of her bone structure of her jaw".  Aubrey promptly looked at me, mom and Dede (our ultrasound tech), and CLOSED HER MOUTH.  As if to say, "I heard you mom, don't tell me what I cannot do!" 

But it is time.  Its time to begin the process of saying good bye to our daughter.  Plans have been made, dates and times set.  I will tell you, it is surreal to walk through a graveyard, picking a spot for your daughter while she still kicks inside of you.  Thankfully, Josh has taken most of the burden of planning THAT part off of me.  He is so strong for us.  I don't know what I would do without him.  My mom and dad are here.  They rented a house for a month on the lake and I am forever grateful.  Josh's parents are here already.  And the rest of the friends and family that we need are beginning the trek to be here with  us. 

The most amazing part of this pregnancy is the realization and confirmation of how much life truly does begin IN the womb.  The moment of conception.  Aubrey and I have had a life together.  I wouldn't trade they last 36 weeks for anything.  I wouldn't give up one minute. 
Psalm 139, again, says " For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you for I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."

Thank you so much for all the love, prayers and support.  Please keep it coming.  We will need it now more than ever.  Please pray for a safe, vaginal delivery.  Pray Aubrey girl arrives alive.  Pray Kye enjoys meeting his sister and is not overwhelmed.  Pray that between now and my induction date, MAYBE she would just come on her own to ease my mind.  (I realize I asked you all to pray for MORE time last time and that is totally how I have made it this far...thank you)

I am still feverishly praying for a miracle by our earthly standards.  That she could stay with me, Josh and Kye.  However, to paraphrase what a new friend of mine who has been through this exact thing wrote....whether by MIRACLE or DEATH, on the day of her birth, Aubrey will be restored.  Praise Him for this.  Do not forget to praise Him for her life. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

XOXO