Too Blessed to Be Bitter

So the title is a bit of a cliché', however it is a saying that has been ringing in my head over and over for the last several weeks.  As hard as all of this has been/will be, God has truly blessed me with a beautiful life.  I have an amazing family who loves and encourages me.  I have friends that have been there for my every crazy though and moment.  I have an amazing job with co-workers who have become my family.  I have a beautiful home with beautiful land. Really, I would kinda be annoyed with me if it weren't for everything surrounding my Aubrey-girl.

Kye is just so full of life. He is starting to have full conversations with me everyday.  He loves to play.  He loves to love on me and his sister.  I cannot imagine going through all of this without him.  Somedays, he is the ONLY reason I get up in the morning.

I have an amazing marriage with a man who is a leader, God-fearing, and my best friend.  He loves his kids and is the best dad that was ever made.  He supports me fully, in everything I do.  He is the hardest worker I have ever met.  He makes me proud to be a Gates everyday. 

The other day Josh and I asked each other how we could be so happy and so sad at the same time.  The next Sunday, Tim, our youth pastor preached on Romans 5.  This verse, I realized, is the answer to Josh and my question.

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

So, I am focusing on REJOICING in this suffering, knowing that God has prepared this path specifically for us and for HIS glory.  It is not always easy though.  I feel the end is nearing.  Although I am not due until July, expert opinion seems to think I will likely deliver around 34 weeks (give or take a week).  I am 32 weeks now.  My fluid is now 34 (upper limits of normal is 23).  My uterus is measuring the same size as a 39 week, or term, uterus.  Frankly, I look pregnant with twins.  NOPE, just one tiny little Aubrey :).  It is funny kind of...everyday some random stranger says to me "Your about to POP, when are you due?" My response "July"...their response is usually just a confused look on their faces.  Haha. 

I was blessed this last week with going to New Orleans and seeing everyone that I went to residency with and to spend a day with those who trained me.  It was wonderfully peaceful to spend a 36 hour period with some of those who know me best and ALSO know this field the best.  I didn't have to explain anything, I was just able to BE. The reality of my situation is beginning to weigh even more heavy on me these days.  I realize that as I near the end of my pregnancy I am nearing the end of her life on this earth.  That has made me very sad and very anxious.  I am trying to give it all to the Lord, but some days I cannot find peace.  It was during this trip to New Orleans that I was able to have a very meaningful conversation with one of my mentors and one of the men I respect the very most, Dr. Robichaux.  He reminded me of something I had forgotten...God asked Abraham to give his son back to him as a sacrifice.  Abraham, although broken, was more than willing to do this.  What a beautiful reminder that Aubrey is not mine and Josh's.  She is God's.  And I have to be willing to let her go. 

I see my MFM next week.  I will try to post an update soon afterwards.  Thank you all for your sweet prayers, thoughts, notes, gifts, flowers, etc.  Each mean SO much to me and Aubs.  Please pray for peace and pray that maybe I could have 3 more weeks or so with my girl :)


XoXo