Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The Aftermath

Tomorrow Aubrey would have been 2 months old.  In some ways, 2 months has simply flown by, like nothing has changed, nothing is different.  In other ways, each day has been an eternity, a struggle to move through, like walking through quicksand.  We also are approaching the 6 month mark of when my whole life forever changed, the day we found out about Aubrey's diagnosis.  Six months.  Now that for sure seems like a life time ago.  I don't even recognize the pre-Aubrey me.  She is a foreign person to me.  The Talia before we found out God's plan was buried with Aubrey.  And in someways, I like the "new" me.  I think its made me a better doctor.  I think its taught me about true loss.  I have learned to cling closer to my God.  But for the most part, I don't really understand who I am now.  I don't "fit" anywhere.  With my friends, my family.  I feel out of place almost everywhere I go.  It very hard to describe.  The only place I feel like I can function 'normally' is when I am with Kye and when I am at work.  Maybe its because there is purpose in those two places.  Maybe because being a mother translates above all else.  Maybe its because the girls at my office walked through every minute of this tragedy with me.  I don't know.  All I know is that I am forever changed.  Part of it is because, I think, that I am a little angry.  Not at God, or Aubrey, or anyone specific, just angry.  Angry, disappointed, frustrated that my life is never going to be the same.  Is not what I planned it to be.  I had "planned" two beautiful children, 2.5 years apart.  I got icing on the cake when my plan turned out to be one boy and one girl!  Then, it feels like, that was "ripped away from me".  But that was not God's plan for us.  It was not ripped away, Aubrey was never mine to begin with.  Nothing in this life is "mine" - it all belongs to our Heavenly Father...I keep trying to remind myself of that.  Picture perfect earthly family is not what we will have, that won't be our story.

 I don't understand all of these emotions very well yet.  For those of you that know me, I am the furthest thing from an "angry" person that you will ever meet.  I have been praying for God to help me let go of this anger, this disappointment.  I need to let go of the "I" and cling to the "Him."  I KNOW with 100% certainty that this was God's divine plan for Aubrey, for us.  I know that he is faithful, has a purpose and I believe those things.  However, each day the anger sneaks in.  That's sad to say, but its true.  You think the devil would leave well-enough alone when we are at our worst, but that for sure is where he thrives.  Where he seeks to destroy.  Read Job.  You'll see. I have been trying to allow my inner-Job come out.  To praise Him in this storm.  To allow God's grace, mercy and light shine through me in and throughout ALL things.  But that is easier said than done.  Prayer.  There is another thing that I have gotten better at.  I cling to it.  Because really, I don't feel like I can actually talk to anyone BUT God. 

As far as all that has happened since Aubrey's birthday:
Aubrey's service was beautiful.  It was a grave side service with just family and very close friends.  Her uncles were the pallbearers. My father-in-law spoke.  What he said was perfection.  We sang "Because He Lives" at the end.   And we laid her body to rest at a beautiful place not far from our home.






I never really thought I wanted to bury her, to have her body in a permanent place.  But I have really enjoyed going there.  Its very peaceful.  Although I know her soul isn't there, its nice to sit, be still and think about her. 

Eating ice cream with my girl


Afterwards we had everyone at our house, including more dear friends.  It was a celebration and we enjoyed it so much. 

I took about 4 weeks of maternity leave.  While I was "off", I did do a couple of surgeries and deliveries.  It felt good to work some.  Josh and I took a short trip together to New Orleans, saw Garth Brooks in concert and spent some great time with close friends.

I am back to work full swing now.  I am dieting.  Trying to exercise.  I got a FitBit.  Kye started a new school year.  Josh got a new truck and is as busy as ever.  I am studying to take my OB/GYN Oral board exam in November. Basically we are trying to get back to life.  But there is like a giant, Aubrey-size hole that nothing can fill.  Moms who have been through something similar tells me it never goes away, but that the edges get healed over, become less raw.  That life gets easier.  Time heals all things, so they say.  I constantly feel like I forgot something huge, like that feeling you have when you left the stove or curling iron on.  Like something major is missing.  I guess because it is. 

But through it all, God is faithful.  I still laugh, still smile, still find joy in this life.  People have been SO good to us.  Friends, family, co-workers, strangers.  Thank each of you for your meals, your gifts, your thoughts, your prayers and your love.  Not a single thing goes unnoticed. 

Please continue to pray for our little family.  I am blessed to have the love of an amazing man and one smart, funny little boy.  They are why I get up in the morning.  We will weather this storm.  Aubrey will always be a part of us.  She just gets to live in heaven, instead of in Jasper. 


Love to each of you.  To God be the glory. 
XOXO
 

35 comments:

  1. Your New Orleans family is thinking of you Nd praying your strength, love you lady! Ro

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  2. It's ok to be angry. IT IS OK! It's part of the healing process. That Kubler-Ross guy knew what he was talking about--go figure. It is hard to be stuck and overcome with emotions that aren't what our normal selves would feel. But guess what losing a baby opens us up to a self that's not our norm. The great thing about being a Christian is that we serve a God that understands. He sent Jesus to this world so that He could have a earthly encounter with us--so that He could experience and understand our human emotions. HE UNDERSTANDS.
    You are not alone in this. I remember feeling out of place too. Don't let that feeling win. You are not out of place. You are right where you belong. Aubrey will live on through you, your husband, and son.
    And as for that hole--it never closes but they're right the edges smooth over, it doesn't hurt so much (some days are still tougher than others).
    Always praying for you and your family: that you may continue to glorify God through this and that you find your place in all of this; that your family find peace and that God's love is always around. *hugs&kisses*

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  3. Hey please don't ignore the angry emotion and process it please! Because it will come out when you least expect it and the worst possible time - believe me. I love you so much and why this happens is beyond me. Bad/horrible unthinkable things happen to good people! But this should never happen to anyone.

    Anger is a God given emotion that He gave to us- we are created in His image not anyone elses!

    This makes me mad and it didn't directly happen to me.

    It is a side of God that is hard to wrap your mind around. But we cant and that is ok.

    I love you and walk out the stages of grief and God will bear you up as you do. He can even take you being angry with Him He is bigger than that!

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  4. Hello! Prayers to all of you. I am so sorry for your loss. As I was reading your story I begin to realize it was pretty well as if I was writing the story myself besides the names and the fact I had six children all at home when I learned I was pregnant with my precious baby girl. I couldnt believe how closely word for word of your story was like my story. My daughter Skyler was also born with thanatophoric dysplasia. My heart breaks for you with you. My beautiful baby girl was born 01/05/2015 and grew her wings 01/06/2015. She was born at 35 weeks exact and weighed 4 lb 12.4 oz. She was 14.5" long.

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  5. Just reading your story now. Thank you so much for writing about Aubrey. Her life and birth were beautiful. The fact that she isn't here on Earth with us is awful, and I am so sorry that you had to go through that. We lost our twins in 2014, one (we named Lily) was a "vanishing twin" early on in the pregnancy and we lost Jackson at 21 weeks when my water suddenly broke. It was unexpected, and heart wrenching. He was considered stillborn, because he didnt make it to birth, and I did have to give birth. I hope you are doing better - what you hear is totally true. That pain will never go away, because that pain is the memory of your baby. However, it does get easier to live around. We are coming up on 2 years this June. I've since had a Rainbow baby, and while that eases my heart, it doesn't "fix" it like people are always trying to tell us. Im praying that God gives you more peace, more hope, and more faith as you heal and move through this journey. XOXO.

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  6. God bless you all.I am so sorry for your loss but you met your daughter and God will give you another baby when it is time. God Bless and Happiness Forever, Stella

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  7. I came upon your story tonight and have been reading your entries with tears streaming. My first daughter, Arwen, was born with TD and lived only moments. We did not know she had anything wrong, except for a nagging feeling that kept tugging at my heart. She was a beautiful precious little girl but I was so in shock and so heartbroken that I don't remember much about that night. I wish I had known, I wish I could have been prepared so I could remember every second of her. She would be 25 now and I think of her every day. I have a 23 year old daughter, a one year old granddaughter and a grandson on the way, and they will grow up knowing about their aunt, just as their momma grew up knowing all about her big sister. Bless you for sharing and for your beauty and grace in such a hard time. Susan

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  9. Hello, I saw your story on Facebook and found your blog. I never comment on blogs, especially of people I don't know but I feel I was lead here and I wanted to express my gratefulness. I am in awe because they tell you TD is rare so you just assume that you'll never run into anyone who went through the same thing, let alone at the same time period with so many similar experiences. Our baby girl, Rose, was also diagnosed with TD at 19 weeks. We carried her until 36 weeks and had a beautiful, sacred 36 minutes with her. She was born June 15, 2015. As I was reading your blog I couldn't believe how similar everything was, including on relying on faith to get us through this unbelievable hardship. Thank you for sharing your story. I am a very private griever and do not discuss my time with Rose with anyone but my husband, but I do appreciate the courage that people like you have to share. I was only able to share one post and I didn't give out much detail. I know my grief comes in waves and at random times so I hope it's okay if I refer back to this blog in the future when that happens. My blog was just a post but if you ever feel you need someone to relate to, you are always welcome to contact me or read my post (elevenminutesin.blogspot.com, it's the one titled, "An explaination") It is simple but maybe you can find some comfort in it as I have with your blog posts. Your strength is incredible. Thank you for your leading example!

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    1. How our stories parallel is amazing. It's good to know we aren't alone. Praying for you and your family.

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  10. Prayers for you mama! I was so happy to hear you had 49 minutes with your angel. She is now your strength to lift you up. You did so much for her in 9 months so she can always be with you now.

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  11. Prayers for you mama! I was so happy to hear you had 49 minutes with your angel. She is now your strength to lift you up. You did so much for her in 9 months so she can always be with you now.

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  12. Prayers for you mama! I was so happy to hear you had 49 minutes with your angel. She is now your strength to lift you up. You did so much for her in 9 months so she can always be with you now.

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  13. Prayers for you mama! I was so happy to hear you had 49 minutes with your angel. She is now your strength to lift you up. You did so much for her in 9 months so she can always be with you now.

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  14. I wish I could talk to you, as our journeys parallel and I feel like nobody else has been down the path my husband and I are on with our little girl, Sophie. Thank you for sharing your story, I know it must have been hard but it helps to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through something so torturous. My due date is May 28th, but like Aubrey, Sophie's measuring behind on growth due to her Chromosome 4 mutation. She has club feet, a small chin and a heart with only the left chambers. It's been heartbreaking going through the mental vs. reality battle of this pregnancy, and hard to enjoy it some days.... But like you said, I'm cherishing everything I can. Maybe we can talk sometime- it would be nice to have a friend who knows how this feels.

    Thank you again for sharing, it gives me hope.

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    1. Ashley - you are not alone!!! There are many of us that have walked in your shoes. Cherish this time with your little girl and always remember how much you are blessed to be her mother. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless

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    2. Ashley. Praying for you now. Praying for peace, and joy in the sorrow. I would love to talk to you. Please tell me how we can be in contact.

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    3. Do you have an email address for your blog? Or another email I can send my contact info to?

      And thank you for the prayers! You too Joan. ❤️

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    4. Ashley please email me melimarkfort@gmail.com

      Our story is found here

      www.lifeafteradriana.com

      You are not alone!!!

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    5. Ashley, please contact me anytime...
      Talia.gates@gmail.com

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    6. Just emailed you! Thank you.

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  15. I am so deeply sorry for your loss of beautiful Aubrey. A friend just directed me to your story through our local news website. Although our stories are of course different, I can relate to you somewhat.

    I lost my daughter Solveig Sofia to a late term stillbirth at 33.5 weeks due to a triple nuchal cord and a true knot in the cord. I miss her and think of her every day. Solveig was born still on 2/29/12, so we just celebrated her first "real" birthday...since she was a Leap Year baby.

    I will be praying for you as the Lord brings you to mind. Praying right now...
    Truly in Him,
    Melody

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  16. I just read your story on the KARE11 website in Minneapolis and wanted to reach out to you. We lost both of our daughters (Angela and Mary) from Osteogensis Imperfecta Type II – another lethal version of skeletal dysplasia. They were both diagnosed after their 20 week ultrasound appointments and passed away shortly after birth. Although things didn’t go as I had dreamed I still know that I am blessed to be their mother if even for such a short time. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    If you are ever interested I wanted you to know about Faith’s Lodge (www.faithslodge.org) – a non-profit retreat center in Wisconsin that supports families that have lost children. My husband and I had the opportunity to stay there and meet other families going through similar experiences and it also gave us time to get away and find strength and hope for our future.
    God bless you
    Joan Ganley - Minnesota

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    1. Your story just made me weep at the memory of my own loss. My daughters sixth birthday would have been coming up on March 22, the pain never goes away. It just becomes more manageable. So much love to you and all of the other women who have posted comments. www.lifeafteradriana.com is my story. I encourage you to read if you want. Love to your family and our angels in heaven.

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  17. Your story just made me weep at the memory of my own loss. My daughters sixth birthday would have been coming up on March 22, the pain never goes away. It just becomes more manageable. So much love to you and all of the other women who have posted comments. www.lifeafteradriana.com is my story. I encourage you to read if you want. Love to your family and our angels in heaven.

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  18. Hi Talia, I'm a writer with TODAY.com, and I'm interested in chatting with you about featuring your story on our site. Could you please email me at terri.m.peters@gmail.com? Thanks so much. :)

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  19. Your story is beautiful... We also recently said goodbye to our daughter who we learned had a terminal diagnosis. It's an amazing journey to be on even during the most saddest moments. She brought so many blessings to our life. Sending you love and light in your healing process.

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  20. I just read your story on Today.com and am, of course, in tears! I am so sorry for your loss and all you had to go through and continue to as you feel the loss. I admire your faith and know your sharing can truly bless and encourage others --- bad things happen and sadly things like this don't make sense but God is a good Father and will work all things for good. Praying for your precious family!!

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  21. What a touching story. I love your Faith and am inspired by you to remember in my life issues that it is God's plan. More than anything I want to be a mom but it is not God's plan at the moment. My friend is going through something similar to what you went through. I am wondering how did you explain to kye that he was going to be a big brother but for only a short time? My friend also has a child who is excited to be a big sister but doesn't know she her little sister might not make it. Do you have recommendations for my friend and her family? My email is mentorvp04@yahoo.com if you would like to rely more privately! I will keep your family in my prayers. May the days get easier for you.

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  22. What a touching story. I love your Faith and am inspired by you to remember in my life issues that it is God's plan. More than anything I want to be a mom but it is not God's plan at the moment. My friend is going through something similar to what you went through. I am wondering how did you explain to kye that he was going to be a big brother but for only a short time? My friend also has a child who is excited to be a big sister but doesn't know she her little sister might not make it. Do you have recommendations for my friend and her family? My email is mentorvp04@yahoo.com if you would like to rely more privately! I will keep your family in my prayers. May the days get easier for you.

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  23. I just read your story on Today.com. What an amazing witness and story of faith! It moved me so much and I thank you for sharing your story so lives can be changed, saved and celebrated. Bless you and your family.

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  24. I just read your story on Today.com. What an amazing witness and story of faith! It moved me so much and I thank you for sharing your story so lives can be changed, saved and celebrated. Bless you and your family.

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  25. Dear Talia, Just like you, we had a daughter with TD, our Julia. She was born on November 8th 2007 and died on April 19th 2008. It were 5 months and 11 days at the ICU, she never came home. It´s been almost 8 years now and the main feeling I have is that we, as parents, fulfilled our jobs with her and we were very successful, since our daughter is in Heaven. This is the main goal for all us parents: that our children (and us!) one day reach Heaven. We have 3 more children that we´re still working on helping them reach that goal and we still have a lot to do! We visit the cemetery as a family once a year, at All Souls Day. We pray there and thank God for her life with us, for entrusting that little angel to our family. About the pain: it´s easier now, but sometimes it comes back. When it does, I let it walk its course, I don´t try to push it away. I suffer for a while, knowing that it will go away eventually. If you want to read our full story, you can check this link http://catholicmom.com/2014/07/24/julia-escolhemos-a-vida-julia-we-chose-life/. It´s in Portuguese first (we´re from Brazil) and then comes the translation.

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  27. I found your story on Facebook. Today of all days I read your story. I needed this story.. You see my Owen passed away in November of one of the lethal forms of Skeletal Dysplasia as well. I felt like I was reading my own story. Today marks the yr mark that we made the decision to see our pregnancy through. He too was born alive and lived a short time. So from one angel mom to another thank you for sharing.. Thank you for giving me the hope that one day I will write more about my own journey. I wish you so much love for your future.

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